Day 145 - This is why you don't freak out

I had a stretch of something like five or six days when my weight didn't change. When you lose five pounds a week, going five days without loss is noteworthy, but I kept trying to remind myself that there are a lot of reasons for even weekly variation.

In the last three days, I've lost six pounds. Now, I clearly haven't lost six pounds of fat in three days, even on my diet. What I have been doing is drinking in excess of a gallon of fluids a day, which leads to over eight pounds of mass flowing through me daily. Yesterday alone, I drank three two liters of diet Coke while playing Warhammer in a store without air conditioning. I'm still not sure how exactly I came out of that two pounds lighter this morning than I was before the tournament.

In terms of awareness, I'm in a sweet spot for people noticing my weight loss. Acquaintances I haven't seen for a month now notice that I'm losing weight, as 20lbs is pretty dramatic on a person my size. When I was losing weight faster, it was less noticeable, but in the future, I'll be losing weight more slowly, so it will take longer to be visible. Although I suppose on most people even 10lbs shows up pretty well.

With the last few days, I'm back on track to hit 310 by the end of the month. I have an official weigh-in at my doctors appointment wednesday, so I'll be able to calibrate back to what I weigh on my own scale. This is my first check up medically since mid may, and the first visit with the doctor since April. I've obviously made a lot of progress since then, and I'm curious as to his reaction. I also need to ask what the lower weight limit for my diet is. I'm sure I'm nowhere near it, but I currently plan on staying on the diet until the end of the year, cycling off in January and February, and thus starting my "phase two" Mediterranean diet roughly in March. According to one calculation, at my current pace I'll be down to roughly 250lbs by the beginning of November. Assuming my pace slows to 3lbs a week at that point, I'll by 226lbs by the end of the year, and so nearly 200lbs by next march, which will be a year. I don't know how long they'll keep my on the PSMF diet though, which is why I need to talk with the doctor.

In many ways, I'm less certain about my "goal" weight than I was when I started. I never really had one, I just wanted to lose weight. In many ways, I've surpassed my expectations. I had never really had luck with weight loss, and honestly I figured I'd be lucky to lose 40lbs, and get stuck. I had put 250lbs as a goal that would be very tough to reach, and 200lbs was a dream target. As of today, while I'm still 60lbs away from 250, I'm essentially 2/3 of the way there. I'm in the home stretch. I should be under 300lbs for the first time in roughly 7 years by mid august, and 250 by Halloween. I'm wondering if I'm doing the right thing by just focusing on staying on the diet, and not worrying about my "goal," or if having a hard target would motivate me more.

I think the reason I'm less worried about a specific weight is that all of my goals, while still tangible, aren't directly linked to a specific weight number. The biggest mass based goal I have right now is to get under 287lbs, which is the upper limit for morbid obesity for my height. It's an arbitrary line in the sand, but it's a reasonable measure. In more of a "reach" goal, getting under 215lbs makes me no longer clinically obese at all. For everything else, my goals are more volume based: buying clothes normally, fitting into roller coasters, etc. I'm now adding more fitness based goals, which I think is helping. Weight is just a number, an important number, but while I fixate on it for evidence of progress in how much weight I've lost, I'm not too concerned about where I end up, as long as I'm healthy and happy.

Day 141 - Weightlifting and a lack of progress

The two biggest news items for the past five days have to be the fact that I've started some weight training, and that I haven't lost any actual weight.

The weight training, as a good thing, is what I'm focusing on mentally. I took the upper body training class at Planet fitness Monday morning (at 8am!), and then stayed for a full workout. Today I got there soon before close and polished off a lifting workout plus 20 intense minutes on the elliptical. I'm noticing that I'm able to reach and maintain far higher speeds on the ellipe, and that I'm sweating less. I have to push harder to make sure I'm still in the cardio zone, but I'm glad that I'm getting into better shape. In terms of strength training, I'm in a pretty weak spot. Upper body strength was never a big part of my skill portfolio, but I'm a lot weaker than I had realized. Admittedly, everything is on machines and I can't really compare what I'm doing to what i did at 19 years old, but I know that I was not a minute too soon in starting a weight training. The second day went a bit easier for some exercises, and felt more burn on a few others. All told, I expect to see some rapid progress.

In terms of actual weight, I don't' know if I should continue to blame my Herculean soda intake and the associated water retention for not losing weight, or the three days of eating way too much food, or simply a natural plateau. I figure all three are probably factors. I've reaffirmed a very strict adherence to the diet, I'm trying to drink more water and less soda, and I'm aware that if I'm building muscle, I might not lose pounds on the scale. I don't mind, as any muscle growth will pay dividends for years.

Day 136 - Fitness Progress

I've been getting at least some serious exercise for each of the past four days, including today, and I'm happy with the results. I started on tuesday with a power walk mixed with a few brief jogs, I upped that to four 30 second jogs on Wednesday, and today I did 4 40 second jobs on the treadmill at the gym. I knocked out 40 minutes on an elliptical yesterday, and did 10 minutes on an arc trainer today in addition to my walk/jog. My goal is to start the eight weeks to a 5k plan in two or three weeks. You know you're out of shape when you have to train just to start a very basic training regimen, but I'm seeing progress in how I feel, how fast I can go, how long I can go, etc.

The one, albeit temporary, downside is that I'm sure that I'm building muscle during this, which is slowing my weight loss. Now, the extra muscle is going to keep my loss rate high as long as I keep it, so I'm not complaining, but I need to be aware that my absolute weight loss may slow down a bit.

I signed up for an 8am upper body strength training class on Monday. The trainer told me to bring my training sheet. The one we did 4 months ago that I haven't looked at since, and I've moved apartments and lost 100lbs since we did. I think it's safe to say I'm just going to do a new training sheet.

Running

I couldn't sleep tonight, so i decided to go for a walk. I was so filled with energy, however, that I actually tried running a small amount as well. I never managed to last more than about 30 seconds, but it felt amazing to run again. I'm sure I'll grow to hate it like I always used to, but for now I'm enjoying my new found ability.

I've always had a love/hate relationship with physical fitness. As a kid, I was never exactly fit, but I never was horribly out of shape either. I couldn't do a pull up or run worth a damn, but I was a competitive swimmer in high school, and backpacked in rugged terrain with a 60lb pack. As I lose weight, I'm very interested in where I end up, fitness wise. I've definitively decided to try to work out more often. I want to start weight training to help the slight loose skin I have in my arms, as well as to generally bulk up. I also want to step up my cardio efforts. If I work at it, I should be able to get into shape at roughly the same pace I lose weight. Since I had enough muscle to move my bulk around before, as I lose weight my underlying base actually improves.

It helps that I'm less ridiculously fat. It's a cruel fact that when you're fat, you feel ashamed to be seen working out. That was never a huge problem for me, but I'm feeling better about myself and I'm more eager to hit the gym.

In general, I feel like I need some motivation to stop procrastinating and start exercising more. Any assistance from the peanut gallery will be greatly appreciated.

Day 133 - Lack of results

Last Wednesday I celebrated losing 110lbs, or 25% of my pre-diet weight. Since then, according to this mornings scale, I've lost a pound. On a diet as extreme as mine, it is always critical to keep in mind the sheer impossibility of not losing weight. Most diets restrict calories to 500 or so under replacement, meaning a single big meal or a few extra snacks can result in no net calorie deficit for the day. The daily deficit is smaller, and the ability to eat very high calorie foods is far larger than on my diet. My daily deficit hovers around 2000 calories, and my absolute worst binges are things like BW3 wings, even 18 of which stay under 1500 calories when ordered with low carb sauce. This means that even when I go over my budget by 1000 or 2000 calories, I'm still under my break even point for weight loss.

Early on, when I'd not lose weight for a few days, I'd get very upset, and wonder if some small deviation was the cause. It simply can't be. One small deviation, if full of carbs, can result in hunger for a day or three, but it won't derail my actual weight loss.

So, while I was hoping to have lost 3-4 more pounds by today compared to last week, I know that between the dramatic water weight swings I've documented earlier, my own shifts in terms of muscle, and simple inaccuracy that I need to not freak out. To be sure, maybe a return to weighing my food for a few days is necessary to accelerate things, but I know that I'm still losing weight.

Day 131 - Clothes Shopping

For my entire adult life, clothes shopping has always been difficult. Fat men's clothing is simply hard to find at retail places, and I hovered at such an extreme end of the range that even at dedicated stores I was buying the largest sizes, and being grateful for any options I had. Due to that, and the shame that comes with moving up every year or two into larger and larger sizes, I never really enjoyed shopping for clothes.

Moving in the opposite direction, however, makes the process much more enjoyable. I'm finding that I enjoy trying on the various styles and designs, finding stuff that I like and that looks good on me, and it only reinforces my major goal of being able to buy clothes at mainstream retail outlets.

In some ways, I'm still heavily restricted, due to my size as well as the desire to stick with the clearance racks. I'm a size 50 to 52 now, but this should be the only summer I wear the shorts I just bought. There is no reason to invest more money than necessary. On the other hand, my size 60 shorts were starting to look ridiculous and needed to be retired. What's the point in looking dramatically better if you still look sloppy?

Obese men have it better and easier than women in nearly every regard, from social acceptance to professional options even to medical treatment. Where women have an advantage is the fashion support extended to them. Obese women can shop a variety of stores stocked with plenty of options, while fat men are restricted to one or two chains, with far fewer options. Part of that is the difference between male and female fashions in general, of course, but it's still annoying to buy multiple pairs of any style of jean that simply fits, because there aren't more kinds to be had.

I doubt I'll ever dip below the extended sizes or big and tall sections of most retailers, but I still want to buy my suits at a men's store, and jeans at a target at some point. No matter how obese a person is, they still wear clothes. It's an aspect of the human experience you can't avoid or alter due to size, and it's an activity that I want to enjoy.

Water Weight vs. the Scale

A big part of the motivation to stay on any diet is results. Most experts seem to favor weighing in every week, but virtually all dieters I know that have been successful weigh in every day, or at least every other day. There are two keys to weighing in: weigh in in roughly the same time, space, and clothing every day; and don't freak out over daily variations.

The latter is especially true for the merely overweight: when you're goal is to lose 10 pounds over three months, you're not going to see a lot of change day to day. The "signal" of the pound a week is likely to get lost in the "noise" of day to day ups and downs.

When losing 5 pounds a week, however, results should appear after two or three days, even given natural variation. I found this summer, however, that often I would gain three or four pounds in a day, and keep that weight on for a day or two, only to have lost seven pounds when I weight in on day four. I was mystified by this, blaming an uneven floor in the new apartment, when I finally figure it out: it's summertime.

This week it's hitting 90 during the day, and only going down to 70 or so at night. My roommate and I have window AC, but are cheap, so when it's relatively cool at night with low humidity, we crank up fans, open the windows, and most critically: drink an obscene amount of fluids. My 32oz of required water rarely outlast breakfast. I'm making a gallon of sun tea every two to three days, a half gallon pitcher of crystal light every week, and I'm buying two liters of soda like they're going out of style. When I'm on the road, I generally buy a 44oz bucket of diet soda at the speedway, or 20 ouncers at school, or endless free refills when I go out to eat.

All of these fluids add up. Water weighs over eight pounds a gallon, and it's not uncommon for me to wake up, drink a quart or more, and then weight myself. Oops. I was obsessed with replicating my original weigh in at the clinic: khaki pants, shirt, full pockets, socks. In doing so, I ignored another principle: time.

My new plan is to weigh in first thing in the morning. With a breeze and a fan, between sweat and urination, I'm at my least hydrated soon after waking up. I won't be as able to compare my weight to my initial weigh in, but I will be able to track day to day changes a little more accurately. It also has the advantage of giving me a lower weight, as boxer shorts weigh very little. For those curious, my morning weigh in today was 320.6lbs

Day 126 - Body Image Ramification

Body image is one of those things that is mostly associated with women and weight loss, but it's a pretty real factor to some extent for nearly all fat men too. When dealing with extreme obesity like I did, the boundaries between "body image" and "body reality" are blurry. When you can't fit in a roller coaster or even a car seat belt, it's hard to not be aware that you are far from the norm in terms of body size.

That said, it's also possible to create a certain self deceptive illusion in your life, where you surround yourself only with things that don't remind you of your obesity, and allow you to more or less ignore your weight. For roughly five years, I simply didn't know what I weighed. I exceeded nearly all scales, and thus I had no hard number to deal with. I eliminated nearly all activities that I would have troubles with, and in general I was able to ignore any issues I had, mentally and physically, with my body.

I've written before about how my ridiculously healthy history partially allowed my weight to balloon; absent diabetes, hypertension or joint pain I didn't have the physical reasons to lose weight most people do. Likewise, I didn't consciously feel any psychological reasons to lose weight. Any alienation or low esteem I suffered I could chalk up to other things, such as my personality or having trouble in school or finding work.

The problem I'm facing now is that I'm finally dealing with my obesity. I'm celebrating every minor victory, from comfortably buckling into my roommates truck to fitting into pants from five years ago. It's been one of the most positive experiences of my life, but it comes with a certain cost: I'm destroying the illusion I had of my old life. When I celebrate losing over a hundred pounds, and I know, both intellectually and viscerally, that I need to lose one hundred more... it doesn't take long to realize just how out of control I really was.

Years of simply not dealing with my weight are catching up, emotionally. I had reasons to put it out of mind: I was failing out of college, or getting back into college, or working long hours at a pool store, or going to law school, or taking the bar exam. The line between reasons and excuses is a porous one, but either way, I had priorities to deal with. I may have gone too far, switching my mental state from not worrying about my weight problem all the way to not really acknowledging that I had a weight problem.

I've wondered at times why I haven't seen a more profound personality shift due to my weight loss, as many people that lose a lot of weight experience. The best I can come up with is that my personality was built around the idea that I was somewhat fat, but nothing too dramatic. In other words, I'm actually changing my body to match my own perception.

I think it matches why I started losing weight in the first place. Most people embark on serious diets because of dire health warnings, or because they feel completely alienated from society, or some deep rooted personal reason. I started this diet out of naked self interest, coupled with a different psychological need. I was (and still am) unemployed, and my family offered to help me use the time constructively to lose weight. In other words: I went on a diet as essentially a part time job with low pay but excellent benefits. In addition, I would be doing something positive and constructive instead of applying for jobs and playing video games all day. I don't think that's bad, if anything, I think it's been a huge reason for my success. If I failed at the diet, I faced the prospect of moving back with my parents, and by this point four months of accomplishing nothing positive in my life. Instead, while I'm still unemployed I'm enjoying the accolades of family and friends as well as logistical support in terms of food and clothing.

All in all, I think I'd rather deal with the emotional fall out from realizing I was and still am incredibly obese than be faced with the emotional fall out from being unemployed and accomplishing nothing. Body image might be a powerful force, but it's simply one component of self esteem.