Day 126 - Body Image Ramification

Body image is one of those things that is mostly associated with women and weight loss, but it's a pretty real factor to some extent for nearly all fat men too. When dealing with extreme obesity like I did, the boundaries between "body image" and "body reality" are blurry. When you can't fit in a roller coaster or even a car seat belt, it's hard to not be aware that you are far from the norm in terms of body size.

That said, it's also possible to create a certain self deceptive illusion in your life, where you surround yourself only with things that don't remind you of your obesity, and allow you to more or less ignore your weight. For roughly five years, I simply didn't know what I weighed. I exceeded nearly all scales, and thus I had no hard number to deal with. I eliminated nearly all activities that I would have troubles with, and in general I was able to ignore any issues I had, mentally and physically, with my body.

I've written before about how my ridiculously healthy history partially allowed my weight to balloon; absent diabetes, hypertension or joint pain I didn't have the physical reasons to lose weight most people do. Likewise, I didn't consciously feel any psychological reasons to lose weight. Any alienation or low esteem I suffered I could chalk up to other things, such as my personality or having trouble in school or finding work.

The problem I'm facing now is that I'm finally dealing with my obesity. I'm celebrating every minor victory, from comfortably buckling into my roommates truck to fitting into pants from five years ago. It's been one of the most positive experiences of my life, but it comes with a certain cost: I'm destroying the illusion I had of my old life. When I celebrate losing over a hundred pounds, and I know, both intellectually and viscerally, that I need to lose one hundred more... it doesn't take long to realize just how out of control I really was.

Years of simply not dealing with my weight are catching up, emotionally. I had reasons to put it out of mind: I was failing out of college, or getting back into college, or working long hours at a pool store, or going to law school, or taking the bar exam. The line between reasons and excuses is a porous one, but either way, I had priorities to deal with. I may have gone too far, switching my mental state from not worrying about my weight problem all the way to not really acknowledging that I had a weight problem.

I've wondered at times why I haven't seen a more profound personality shift due to my weight loss, as many people that lose a lot of weight experience. The best I can come up with is that my personality was built around the idea that I was somewhat fat, but nothing too dramatic. In other words, I'm actually changing my body to match my own perception.

I think it matches why I started losing weight in the first place. Most people embark on serious diets because of dire health warnings, or because they feel completely alienated from society, or some deep rooted personal reason. I started this diet out of naked self interest, coupled with a different psychological need. I was (and still am) unemployed, and my family offered to help me use the time constructively to lose weight. In other words: I went on a diet as essentially a part time job with low pay but excellent benefits. In addition, I would be doing something positive and constructive instead of applying for jobs and playing video games all day. I don't think that's bad, if anything, I think it's been a huge reason for my success. If I failed at the diet, I faced the prospect of moving back with my parents, and by this point four months of accomplishing nothing positive in my life. Instead, while I'm still unemployed I'm enjoying the accolades of family and friends as well as logistical support in terms of food and clothing.

All in all, I think I'd rather deal with the emotional fall out from realizing I was and still am incredibly obese than be faced with the emotional fall out from being unemployed and accomplishing nothing. Body image might be a powerful force, but it's simply one component of self esteem.